Elusive Happiness

Posted on | October 1, 2009 | 2 Comments

When big changes occur in life, I think it’s natural to take stock, dream of the possibilities, and come up with a plan. At least, it’s normal for me. This spring, the company my husband and I work for announced that it was being bought out. We knew that, even in the best-case scenario, my tenuous existence as a contractor was at risk. The worst-case scenario involved both of us being out of work for quite some time. We mapped out about five possibilities, and came up with plans for each of them. That was April.

It’s October now, and we still don’t know what is going to happen with Matt’s job. Today, I filed for unemployment. I’ve been putting feelers out for new jobs since June, and have even applied for a really promising, if likely low-paying, job in the non-profit sector. Nothing has come of it yet, but it’s early.

So here I am, spending some of my first job-free day pondering our situation (I also spent part of the day flying a kite with the kids, so it has not, overall, been a day of maudlin self-examination). The thing that bugs me is the not knowing. The months of not knowing. I actually kept my job for a whole quarter longer than I thought I would when the deal was first announced this spring, and despite the bittersweet feelings of leaving right as the product I worked on for the past 18 months was going live with its first paying customer, of leaving when I could really use a paycheck to further pad my savings account in case Matt does get laid off, I am feeling positive overall.

My pal Scott Brown of Music Therapy tweeted a link to an article titled Happier on Get Rich Slowly and I have to say it was pretty perfect timing in terms of my ruminations today. I read it, enjoyed it, even agreed with it. Then I stopped. It’s all about simplifying your life and living in the moment. But how on earth are we supposed to live in the moment, and chase that elusive happiness, amid so much uncertainty?

A few of my friends and relations are going through similar phases of self-examination either due to similar career/financial calamity, or to other changes in their lives. I have been lumping our collective experiences together under the catchy phrase existential crisis because I’m a writer and because summarizing things in 140 characters or less is fairly trendy at the moment. And they are, in fact, existential crises in the true sense of both words, because we all seem to be questioning our place in the world, the purpose of our existence, the quality and meaning of our lives, and the lack of answers is causing each of us a good bit of stress and dismay.

So my (unanswerable?) question is how can I find happiness, live in the now, and at the same time figure out what the purpose of my existence is? My sister would tell me to let go and let the universe provide for me. And I think it probably will. But until I get at least a hint of what’s in store, I need a backup plan. A live in the now plan. A plan that involves a little happiness despite having no solid idea of what the future holds for me or for my family.

Aristotle believed that “happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence,” and although his definition of happiness had a lot more balance and responsibility and living up to your potential in it than today’s common usage of the word does, I’m starting to wonder if living in the now and trying to be happy isn’t just about the best I can do under the circumstances.

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